It’s finally Spring! and beautiful where I am living. We all suffered an intense winter season, and a snowstorm in May, however right now there’s a certain shift and it’s Spring. Last night, to commemorate the heat, I took my puppy for a drive. Aside from observing all of the other dogs beaming with their heads chilling out of their car windows, I noticed all of the people out walking. As I passed a specific crossroad I said loudly, “I hope you’re doing okay!” it had been a shout-out to a person I haven’t actively thought of in quite a while. He is still in my heart, but I haven’t seen or spoken to him in over a decade.
This morning, I bounded up out of bed and was motivated to take a walk. At the moment, right then, no delaying until after morning java or breakfast, I just wanted to go and take a walk. I procured the puppy and out the door, we walked. As we had been rounding the corner a truck stopped along the side of the road. A man got out, and said, Diane, is that you?” I was shocked! The individual that got out of the truck was the great Samaritan who assisted my daughter after she was struck by a car while crossing the street 11 years ago. The individual I was wondering about last night, the one I sent out the message of, “I hope you’re doing fine.”
Was this merely an unusual coincidence? Perhaps! Both of us live in the same city so possibly it was sure to occur. But it hadn’t occurred in many years until this morning.
I’ve had a trying and distressing two weeks. Emotions and feelings that I had persisted to lessen during my recovery process have found their way to the surface providing me with a choice. Continue to repress, or come to accept what is bubbling to the top. It might sound like an easy conclusion, but it wasn’t for my situation.
I knew I wouldn’t be retraumatizing myself personally or opening old wounds, but I will be revisiting some emotions and feelings at a more intense level. That’s not an ideal exercise. The outcome is more recovery, but it’s never easy for me to work through the truth of my past.
A component of healing from PTSD is having the capacity to tell your story as much as you need to and require too. Which will take a significant amount of have confidence in the individual you are talking to. I’ve got a lot of attachment problems caused by my trauma. Trust is difficult; in spite of a terrific counselor.
I kept wondering, exactly why is this happening now? Why am I suffering from these feelings? How come I want to share my story? I already discussed it, digested it, shared it again and processed more. Then I finished.
I’ve published a handful of posts recently, thinking if I was shaming myself into silence all over again. My counselor continued encouraging me that it’s okay. I’ll know if and when I must go deeper. I didn’t think I will ever want to go deeper. But evidently, my thoughts and body have decided. My PTSD problems have left me suffering terribly and I don’t want to have this feeling anymore.
Last week, my therapist asked me, “do you trust me?” I didn’t even pause, I replied, “Yes, yes I trust you.” She then stated,” I was protected, she was safe, those folks I know and love are safe, and that it’s alright.” I believe her. I recognize the nature of PTSD. Often symptoms will be bigger than other times. But, I also realize that some of my problems will decrease if I conduct some more work.
I don’t know why it is now time to work on these feelings and beliefs. However, I recognize this: When my girl got struck by the vehicle, that was the “event” that smashed the fantasy that I could manage my snow-globe world I’d developed. After I hung up the phone after speaking with her in the ambulance, that’s the time I heard the sound of glass breaking in my head and had the absolute most intensive flashback of myself sitting alone at a small airport. After I got to the infirmary 20 minutes later to be with my daughter, I met the individual that ran across four lanes of traffic to help her. When my daughter healed from her traumas that’s the time I could no longer suppress my history and I started to heal. I have healed a ton, and I live the optimal life I can with complicated PTSD. However, certain things are arriving at the surface.
Perhaps the why now does not matter. Possibly what counts, is that it is time. My body, mind, and spirit are informing me that it’ll be fine. All of that conspiring universe knew a decade ago, that I was prepared and it was about time to commence to heal, and I trust that it is aware today.
Alright universe, I’m listening!